One More Time

I’m getting really tired of blogging about Andy.

It’s really sad that my life has turned into some sort of obsession over him these past couple of weeks. I don’t know what I have turned in to. I used to be so strong, and be able to take rejection, and was able to feel good and okay when I was alone. 

Yet, now when I think I’m starting to like someone, that I feel doesn’t like me in the same way, I am lost and I am confused as to what to do.

I can’t sleep, I can’t eat, and I certainly cannot get him off my mind. It’s really pathetic. Is this what being desperate feels like? I haven’t been in a relationship in a very long time, so maybe I’m just over analyzing every situation, but everyone is telling me this, but really? What if I’m right, and I know that I’m not over analyzing it, and I just know he’s not into me anymore. What am I suppose to do then if all of a sudden he cuts all form of communicating with me?

I’ll be distraught. I will feel lost, and all alone. 

I read all about Cancers in my astrology book, and one of the many things that stood out was something along the lines… “If the longer the delay, it will be the least likely outcome” Or something like that… The way that I’m interpreting it is that when it takes him forever to text me back, I’m no longer on his mind as much as I was before.

I used to get messages from him in the morning just saying good morning, or calling me sunshine. I didn’t text him all day yesterday, and most of today to see if I would get anything. I didn’t. I finally caved in earlier today and sent him a text. Things seemed to be going well, like everything is normal but again their is that long wait that I’m not used to. I hate it, and I hate how I’m killing myself over text messages. It kills me. 

I don’t know if I messed up, or he’s just over me. I hate these stupid games, and wish people were more upfront with their feelings. I feel kind of hypocritical about typing that last part, because I know I’m scared of showing him my true feelings too. But now it’s to the point where I HAVE to share with him how I feel because I need some reassurance that everything will be alright, because if I keep playing these games I wont get anywhere, and I know that I will be the one left in the dark, and possibly sadder than I have ever been in my life.

I don’t even know who I can talk to about this. I know Valerie says she is there, but I don’t know if I can really open up to her. Alyssa never picks up her cell phone anymore because she is too busy with her boyfriend, and her job. Rebecca is too busy with her life now, and just today I’ve realized I can’t even call her a best friend anymore — She just isn’t there for me anymore. I don’t have anyone to talk too. I’ve been so selfish, and so self-assured these past few years, It’s caused me to lose a lot of friends. I hate where I’m at now, and I never would’ve imagined that I would be dealing with the problems that I am going through today.

I labeled this entry “One More Time” because I’m going to try, one last time, with Andy. I don’t know how I’m going to approach things tomorrow, but I know he’s opening so I know that he’ll be awake as early as I am tomorrow. I kind of want to get things going right off the bat, but I’m kind of scared. I want to be honest, and forward with my feelings. I know he said he wanted to be friends, and could eventually see us being something more in the future, but lately it feels like that future has faded away. I just don’t know how to come off without making it sound like I’m pushing him, and desperate. I don’t want to push him away, because that is not my intention. 

I just want to know if he still cares for me as a person, and if he sees a possible future more than just friends someday.

Just a little background from people that I’ve decided to share this link with. I’m 21 years old, I’ve never been in a relationship with anyone, or have had any sexual intercourse with anyone. I don’t know if this makes me a prude, but I’ve always told myself that I will lose my virginity to someone that I deem is worthy. I’m good looking, and know I can get guys out there, but everyone is so typical, I go for the ones that are atypical. I know what I want, and the ones that I want are one in a million, they’re super rare - but do exist. I feel like Andy is one of them, and to lose something like that leaves me hopeless thinking about future relationships. 

Any advice is much appreciated.

Jay

Posted 27/01/2009