Come Today, We Understand.

I originally posted this on my blog http://iamjaybot.net, but I am revamping that into a portfolio, so I wanted to keep this here.

I think it’s very safe for me to say that this year has been a never ending roller coaster for me, and now the ride is finally coming to an end. Emotionally, mentally, and physically.

“I’ve been through a lot in the past two or three years, and there’s a lot that people don’t know.” - Britney Spears

Sometimes I feel like I can really relate to her. I look at her life, and I take a look at mine, and put two and two together. Her friends, and her family - we share a very similar connection between the two. I think that’s why I support her so much, and always will say something positive about her. After seeing her documentary, I was inspired, like I always have been with her, she’s someone that I very much look up too, and wish I could thank her for that someday.

Emotionally, I am drained. I’ve been through a lot with the death of my friend Kevin, who meant a lot to me. If you haven’t read my blogs already, he was an amazing person, an amazing friend. He gave me hope in others in believing that their are still good people left, rare, but their are. He was the perfect friend, an angel. Emotionally, I am drained. I’ve lost a lot of really good friends this year because actions that I’ve done. I do not regret any of that, because I believe everything happens for a reason. You live, and you learn, you make mistakes. I am faulty, just like you. In the end, it really just shows who was the true friend, and who was just there. I know it’s shown me who I know is real, and who I could careless about. However, a few I am disappointed in, because I expected a lot more. Emotionally, I am drained. This year has been very lonely, two of my real good friends, best friends at one point, both live on the other side of the country, and it just sucks not being able to have that constant sidekick with you all the time, I didn’t know how to deal with this at first, and I choose to not remember the actions that I’ve done, but it’s a lesson learned to not take advantage of what you have. I know I took advantage, and in the end only I was the one who was left in the dust.

Mentally, I am stable. I think I’m more self-aware than I have ever been in my entire life. I look back and reflect on the things that I’ve done, and I don’t even know what I was thinking. I know more than ever what I want, and the things that I need to do to achieve them. I’ve setup goals for myself, and some I were able to complete, and others not so much - I am human, and I faulty. Mentally, I am stable, but I often find myself feeling more crazy than usual.

Physically, I am challenged. I had a goal to weigh about 150 by the end of this year. Although I am not quite there yet, I have a few more weeks to hit that. I am currently at 165#, at the start of this year I was a little over 190. I’ve taken the initiative to look into getting into better shape, and even hired a trainer. I think that was one of the best things that I’ve done this year. If it wasn’t for the knowledge that I have now, I would be achieving my goals a lot slower than I should be. I’m really happy with myself right now, I still have to fix my diet, but sometimes you just gotta eat whatever you’re craving.

Come today, we understand. 2009 is right around the corner. I will be 21, in school (hopefully!) and ready to experience a whole new world. I’m ready to change, it’s all I ever do, I’m like a chameleon, every year I try to change something, to improve, whether it be good or bad - everything happens for a reason, right?

Come today, I understand. I still have a lot of growing up to do, and mistakes that need to be made. It’s life. I want to take more risks this year, and expand the knowledge that I do know into something more. I’ve done a lot of re-thinking these last few years, and trust me, I’ve thought about a lot. I know that I won’t be making a lot of the same mistakes that I did last year, because I’ve learned from them, and I am a much stronger, and knowledgeable person.

In conclusing, I believe everything happens for a reason. I have to leave the past behind, never forget it, but it is what it is. I’m going into 2009 really hopeful, and determined to make it the best year as an adult, yet. I used to have a quote on my MySpace page awhile back, so before I end this really long entry, I’ll post it.

“This is only the beginning; a never-ending journey. You’re welcome to see my flaws, aspirations, accomplishments, goals, changes. I have something to give, if you are willing to take it. ”

Over and out,
Jay

Posted 02/03/2009